White Elephant
by rogue planet 13
Summary: Second story in the Fanfiction Christmas Countdown series. Tony Stark holds a white elephant gift exchange at Stark Tower. All the Avengers are invited. Some other people come too.


**Notes: **This is the second story in the Christmas Countdown series. If you haven't read the first story yet, you can read it on **Lily Lindsey-Aubery's** profile page. It's called **The Iron Hills Mall**. (It's also on my favourites list.)

For all who reviewed the last story, THANK YOU! And here are some replies from** Lily Lindsey-Aubery:**

**ThurinRanger: **I have to admit, I've been looking forward to the reviews all December! ;) I'm really glad you have, because we didn't know if people even read our profiles. And here is your next story! :D**  
Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: **lol I still haven't gotten used to your new avatar... I will eventually... :P Yeah, I think being the dad of Legolas could be quite stressful sometimes.**  
Thalion Estel: **Good! I hope you enjoy them all. With all the different fandoms involved, it was kind of hard for us to make them all interesting for everybody, but I think they'll be good. **  
Jedi Kay-Kenobi: **YESSS a Jedi just reviewed my story! Anyways, glad you liked it! It was so fun to write. Especially that part about the hairbrushes... ;) **  
BlackShaftedArrow: **Thanks a million. I've tried to write serious stories, you know, but it never seems to work out right. There's always someone falling down the stairs or saying something really sarcastic and then it just disolves into a humor story. XD I am destined to only write humor I guess. **  
Dwarven Lass: **Thank you! Tauriel's stocking stuffers seem to be the most popular part. :) **  
As always, thanks to everyone for reviewing/following/favouriting.**

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*****Spoiler Alert*****  
Potential spoilers for Captain America: The Winter Soldier. If you have not seen this movie yet, stop everything, pull it up on Amazon instant video, and watch it at least twice. (If not more times - I mean, the scene in the elevator you could watch over and over again - oops, spoilers... Just go watch it.)

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**Cast:**

(In case you've never seen The Avengers and don't know who any of these people are, but still think it might be fun to read this story because I'm such an awesome writer.)

Tony Stark - owner of Stark Tower; genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist  
Jarvis - Tony's artificial intelligence computer  
Pepper Potts - Tony's girlfriend/assistant  
Rhodes - (referenced only) Tony's friend

Nick Fury - Director of SHIELD espionage and law-enforcement agency  
Maria Hill - agent of SHIELD  
Natasha Romanoff - same as above  
Clint Barton - same as above  
Phil Coulson - same as above

Steve Rogers - superhero; aka Captain America  
Bucky Barnes - Steve's childhood totes bestie

Dr. Banner - nuclear physicist and superhero; aka Hulk

Thor - superhero; aka god of thunder; from planet called Asgard  
Jane - Thor's human girlfriend  
Darcy - Jane's intern  
Eric Selvig - all of the aboves' friend  
Heimdal - Asgardian  
Fandral - same as above  
Volstagg - same as above  
Loki - Thor's ill-behaved adopted brother

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**Disclaimer:  
**I do not own The Avengers or any other part of the Marvel franchise. I wish I owned The Avengers. I'm glad I don't own X-Men. I'm insanely glad I don't own and had nothing whatever to do with Spiderman.

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**And finally...**

**White Elephant**

"_On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me two turtledoves..."_

The invitation from Stark Tower had an Avengers A printed on the cover above the word "Assemble".

Inside it said, " 7:30 p.m. December 13. A Christmas party at Stark tower. Bring a small gift for a white elephant gift exchange. Also bring a friend."

Each of the Avengers had received one.

"Jarvis," said Tony on the night of the festivities, "I want you extra tight on security tonight. Let me know who's coming long before he gets here."

"Sir," said Jarvis, "is it possible that you have forgotten to invite Mrs. Potts?"

"I didn't forget to invite her," said Tony uncomfortably. "I decided not to. Anyway, I don't want any gate crashers. The party's going to be rough enough with just the invitees."

Tony ran his hands through his hair nervously and swallowed something from a squat, square-shaped glass on the counter. He lounged over to the window and looked out, wondering if he should bother to change out of his sweats or not.

In the street below he detected a black chevy sports car, a dark hummer with the SHIELD logo on the side, a purple van, and two motorcycles pulling up by the entrance to his tower.

"Sir," said Jarvis; "Director Fury, Agent Hill, Agent Barton, Agent Romanoff—"

"I see 'em," said Tony, dashing to the Christmas tree in the corner and plugging the lights in. "You can let them in," he added, hurrying to the refrigerator and taking out an enormous tray of cheese and deli meat.

He set it on the counter and swallowed the last of what had been in his glass. The doors of the room opened.

"Hi, Stark," said Natasha, walking in and depositing her gift under the Christmas tree.

"Hi," said Clint, following her and doing exactly the same thing.

Nick Fury and Maria Hill entered behind them carrying paper grocery bags with the SHIELD logo on them.

"Hi, Stark," said Hill. "We brought some stuff for the party. Where should I put it?"

Banner stuck a small package under the Christmas tree and sat down on the couch. Steve and Bucky removed their motorcycle helmets and joined him.

"Hey, didn't you bring a present, Stark?" said Natasha, counting the number of presents under the tree.

"What?" said Tony. "Oh, yeah. It's in my bedroom. Jarvis is wrapping it."

There was a sudden sound as if someone had just remembered something and a few seconds later they heard paper rustling frantically in the next room.

"Coulson told me to tell you he'd be a bit late, but he's coming," said Nick Fury. "He had some trouble trying to find a friend. Got anything to put the dried fruit on?"

"Jarvis!" said Tony, who felt that he had done enough work already for one evening. He walked over to the couch where Steve, Bucky, and Bruce were watching tv and eating potato chips.

"Is this everyone's idea of bringing a friend?" said Tony, crossing his arms. "Bringing each other?"

"I brought a friend," said Steve, smug in the knowledge that he had done his duty.

"Is there a problem with bringing each other?" said Natasha. "There's fewer people that way."

"I told you to bring a friend because I thought it would help get you out of your comfort zone," said Tony. "People think we're socially dysfunctional."

"We are," said Banner.

"Who did you bring?" said Tony.

"The other guy."

"Is that why you brought the van?"

"Knock it off," said Steve.

"Well, I notice you didn't bring anyone," said Hill to Tony.

"Yeah, where's Pepper?" said Natasha.

"I invited all you guys," said Tony. "And I have Jarvis, too in case that doesn't count."

"You call _us_ socially dysfunctional?" said Hill. "You could have brought Rhodes."

"So what's between you and Pepper?" said Natasha. "Are you mad at each other again?"

"No," said Tony. "She's just hard to have around sometimes."

A blast of icy air suddenly descended on them through Stark Tower's balcony door and a voice above their heads called out to them.

"I apologise for being late."

"Who's that?" said Hill.

Natasha looked at Tony with raised eyebrows. "Did you invite him?" she said.

"Yeah, but I didn't think he'd come," said Tony. "Do they even celebrate Christmas in Asgard?"

Thor descended the steps, neglecting to close the door behind him. Jarvis thoughtfully closed it for him.

"My friends are in the elevator on their way up," he said.

"Jarvis!" said Tony.

"Yes, sir," said Jarvis. "They are waiting at the door now. Shall I let them in, sir?"

"Was it a long drive?" said Natasha to Thor while Tony yelled at Jarvis.

"It was very far. I had to be extra nice to Heimdal in order to get here," said Thor. "But I would not miss Stark's party for the nine realms."

The door of the room opened. Tony turned to Thor.

"I thought I said _a _friend," he said.

"Loki is not my friend," said Thor, scowling. "I had to bring him along because he's on probation and it was my turn to watch him tonight. Eric Selvig is my friend."

"Right, okay, but there are like five other people besides them," said Tony.

"I brought friends for the rest of you," said Thor generously.

The rest of the Avengers looked coldly at the people standing awkwardly in the doorway. Besides Loki and Eric Selvig, there were Jane Foster, Darcy, Heimdal, Volstagg, and Fandral.

"Hogun is spending Christmas with his family," Thor explained; "and Sif was invited to a different party."

"Look, Fandral," said Volstagg, elbowing his friend. "They have a screen of fascination. Let us get a closer view."

The two warriors sat down on the already crowded couch and stared at the tv.

"Um, I already have a friend!" said Steve loudly as Volstagg squeezed him up against the arm of Tony's couch.

"Okay, fine; I'll take Darcy," said Natasha with an air of resignation.

Darcy made a face at her from behind a stack of presents she was helping Jane and Eric Selvig carry in.

"I'll have Jane Foster!" said Hill.

"Fury, you can have Heimdal," said Thor. "Banner can have Volstagg and Stark can have Fandral."

"Loki," said Clint. Everyone turned to look first at him and then at Loki.

"What's he doing?" asked several people nervously.

"He's my friend," said Clint.

"Um, are you sure that's a good idea?" said Natasha.

"It's fabulous," said Loki with a smile.

"Good, then you can look after him for the rest of the evening," said Thor, looking much more prepared to enjoy his time at the party.

The other Avengers stared at Clint for several seconds.

"Okay, fine," said Hill, shaking her head. "Do your thing. We're just not even going to ask questions."

"Why would we want to ask questions?" said Volstagg.

"Okay, maybe we should start the white elephant thing now so that people can leave early afterwards," said Tony affably. He walked over to the couch. "Which of you am I supposed to be stuck with?" he asked the two warriors.

"Me!" said Fandral.

"This is our corner," said Loki, seizing Clint by the arm and dragging him into the coldest corner furthest from the rest of the group. "Now pass us some presents."

"If you even think about ruining my party," said Tony, "I will throw you out the window like you did to me the last time."

Loki grinned at the memory.

"Okay, I brought like three presents," said Darcy. "So... I hope that doesn't mess anyone up."

"That messes everyone up," said Tony. "Can't you follow simple instructions? —Oh, yeah, that's right— Jarvis! Where's my present? Did you ever get it wrapped?"

"Yes, sir. It's under the tree."

"Oh, there it is. Phew!" Tony collapsed on the floor and ran his hands through his hair for the second or third time that evening. "It's only eight o'clock and I'm already losing it," he said. "Jarvis! I need a drink!"

"Who starts?" said Jane.

"I'll start," said Nick Fury. He got up and went to the tree. "Do I just pick any one?" he asked.

"Have you never done this before?" said Natasha.

"No, but people have told me about it," said Fury. He picked up a package from the top of the pile and opened it. Everybody strained to see what it was.

"Well, this is interesting," said Fury. He looked down at the necklace with a tiny golden arrow hanging on it and tried to think of something more positive and original to say. Clint glared at him.

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'll go next," she said. She walked over to Fury and took his present. Clint grinned in a way that disturbed everybody.

"Rogers, you're next," said Hill.

Steve opened a present. It was a collector's set of Avengers action figures.

"Haha. I brought that," said Tony.

Bucky's turn was next. (He had switched places with Volstagg on the couch.) He took the action figures from Steve. Volstagg unwrapped a beanie cap from Darcy. Banner took the action figures from Bucky. Fandral had stepped over to the counter for a snack so Tony skipped his turn.

"Who's this from?" asked Tony, holding up a Rubiks cube he had just unwrapped.

"Oh, um, I brought that," said Banner. "I just thought it looked neat."

Tony twisted the cube into a psychedelic mess and started trying to solve it. Darcy's turn was next and she opened a Loft gift card from Jane. Thor got a pair of sunglasses from Heimdal. Jane got an aromatherapy neck wrap from Hill.

"Sir," said Jarvis. "If I might interrupt the mind game for a moment—"

"You can have one of the extra presents that Darcy brought," said Tony, who was taking all the red stickers off the Rubiks cube and sticking them back on one side.

"What I was trying to say, sir, is that Agent Coulson—"

The door opened just then.

"Security breach!" said Tony. Then he saw that Pepper was with Coulson and he dropped the Rubiks cube.

"Sorry we're late," said Pepper.

"Um," said Tony, "it was just kind of an impromptu get-together."

"Yeah, Phil told me about it," said Pepper. "So do we get to see what everyone got so far?"

"_Phil_?" said Tony.

"I'm the friend he brought," said Pepper. "Do you still have that tofu I left here the other night?"

"Sorry," said Coulson self-consciously. "I couldn't think of anyone else to invite."

"Uh, I was going to invite you," said Tony, following Pepper over to the refrigerator.

Coulson joined the group around the Christmas tree. "Who brought that one?" he asked, as Fandral unwrapped a small Christmas tree ornament in the shape of a computer.

"That was my contribution," said Jarvis.

"Why don't you open the next one, Coulson?" said Hill.

Coulson smiled to himself and picked up a package from under the tree. "Who is this one from?" he asked.

"No fair!" said Darcy. "You have to open it first."

Coulson went through the routine shaking, weighing, smelling, and scanning with his SHIELD pocket x-ray scanner that he subjected all his mail and packages to. When everyone else's yells grew too loud he finally tore open the paper.

"Oh, it's so cute," he said, taking out a black spider plushie and squeezing it.

"I know, right?" said Natasha. "Finally someone else who likes spiders."

"Just a minute," said Nick Fury, looking as if the word spiders had suddenly reminded him of something. "Did he bring anything?" He pointed at Loki, who was still sitting in the corner next to Clint looking bored and innocent.

"No," said Heimdal. "We didn't let him bring a present."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Maybe those extras I picked up were his," said Darcy.

"What extras?" said Tony, who had just returned to the group. He dashed to the Christmas tree and started sorting through the presents desperately, visions of horrible endings to his Christmas party racing through his mind.

"Yeah, there were like two extra presents sitting around and they didn't have names on them, so I thought they were for the party," Darcy was saying. "Nobody would say whose they were so I just brought them."

"Which ones? Which ones?" said Tony.

"I don't remember what they looked like, I just stuck them in the stack with the others," protested Darcy.

"Well we can't just open all the presents," said Natasha. "That would spoil the game."

"Tony, which of these crackers did you want to serve?" said Pepper coming over from the bar.

"All of them," said Tony, still furiously shaking presents and listening for suspicious sounds.

"But there's six packages," said Pepper. "No one's going to eat that much. How do you guys talk to each other with the tv blaring?"

"Jarvis!" said Tony. "I need another drink."

"Don't worry, Stark," said Thor, getting up from the floor. "This can all be solved very simply. Loki!"

Loki looked up with an absent expression. "Yes?"

"Did you plant those presents on Darcy?"

Loki looked around at the group. "It's a game, right?" he said. "So let's play the game. Whoever's scared doesn't have to play."

"Do you mean like it's Russian roulette or something?" said Natasha.

"Did you put anything dangerous in them?" demanded Nick Fury.

"No," said Loki.

The Avengers looked at each other for several long seconds.

"Volstagg, are you sitting on the remote control?" said Pepper, who hadn't been following anything of what had been happening.

"Well, let's play the game," said Steve bravely. "It's your turn, Selvig."

Eric Selvig picked up a present and looked at it dubiously. "Can I borrow your x-ray scanner, Coulson?" he asked. Tony could see the fun was rapidly going out of the party.

"Just open it," he said. "If it's something horrible we'll make Loki keep it."

Eric Selvig opened the present. It was a huge wooden box full of sausages.

"I brought that," said Fandral.

"No, I brought it," said Volstagg.

"Well, then I brought one just like it," said Fandral.

"Tony, don't tell me you haven't washed the dishes since I was here the other night," called Pepper from the bar.

"Jarvis didn't," yelled Tony.

"Barton, it's your turn," said Loki.

"Stop poking me with your elbow," said Clint.

"Fury took my spear," explained Loki.

"You two don't have to sit together, you know," said Natasha.

Clint got up, glanced at the presents sceptically, then went and took the Avengers action figures from Dr. Banner.

"I never had my turn," said Fandral. He opened an interesting looking package and pulled out a mechanised chicken that danced the chicken dance while singing in an epically annoying recorded voice.

"Loki!" shouted Tony. "You have to keep that!"

"I didn't bring it," said Loki, looking insulted.

"I brought it," said Eric Selvig sheepishly.

"What a strange Midgardian ritual," said Fandral watching the chicken's performance admiringly. "They will love it in Asgard." He smiled, forseeing much profit to be made by showing off the creature to enthusiastic Asgardian maidens.

"Tony, where's the bottle opener?" said Pepper.

"I don't know," said Tony grumpily.

"Well, you don't have to get mad. I know, why don't we turn on some Christmas music? That will cheer everyone up!"

"Not if it's your horrible 1950s playlist," said Tony. He was too late. Pepper had already made Jarvis start playing "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," Tony's personal least favourite.

"Loki, it's your turn," said Banner, hoping to drown out Tony's groans.

Loki went to the tree and picked out a present. It was the huge wooden box of sausages that Fandral had brought. Heimdal opened a flashlight from Steve, Hill opened a kitchen knife set from Bucky, and Jarvis opened a bottle of champagne from Fury.

"Pepper, it's your turn," called Tony.

"Just a minute," said Pepper, who was still rummaging for something over by the bar.

"Okay, Fury; start over," said Tony.

Fury took the Avengers action figures from Clint. Steve attempted to take them from Fury.

"No fair," said Jane. "You can't take a gift that you already got once."

Steve resignedly opened a present. It was a pair of enormous fuzzy slippers that Thor had brought. Steve looked hopefully at Banner, since the Hulk was the only person in the room who would have fit them. Banner looked at the ceiling and hummed a tune.

Bucky got up and tore open a package of Captain America trading cards that Coulson had brought.

"Oh, Coulson," said Hill, "how generous of you to bring your trading cards." Everyone agreed in a respectful silence, knowing how dear Coulson's cards were to him; especially after he had gotten Steve to sign them.

"Actually, they're not my vintage ones," said Coulson hastily. "They're replicas."

He didn't want to tell them that he'd gotten the cards free inside a box of cereal and had brought them when he couldn't find the bagpipe music cd he'd bought for the party. The wiki-how post he had looked up about what to bring to a white elephant had said that silly and tacky was okay. He hoped that there wasn't a limit to silliness and tackiness.

"I guess I'm next," said Dr. Banner. He got up and opened a squarish present, which was one of the last ones under the tree. Everyone thought him very brave to do this and risk getting Loki's present, but it seemed a better alternative to taking Steve's enormous fuzzy slippers.

The present appeared to be a plain wooden box on the outside. Banner turned it over several times trying to see what it was supposed to contain.

"Who brought this one?" he asked. No one answered. Banner lifted the lid. A disturbing sound of laughter emanated from the empty box. "Loki?" said Banner.

Loki grinned.

"You guys are playing the game wrong," said Pepper, who'd been watching the last few present unwrappings. "Do you even know the rules?"

Tony felt like the last candle was being lit for the soul of his ruined party. He made a despairing effort to save the day.

"We're playing it Avengers style," he said.

"What _are _the rules?" asked Darcy. "Does anyone know?"

"Hasn't anyone played this game before besides me?" asked Pepper.

There was a brief and awkward silence.

"We're just not party people," said Natasha.

"Nobody ever invites us to their parties," Clint explained.

"Yeah," said Tony. "It's not our fault if we're all social misfits. Nobody likes being around us."

"Well, I can't imagine why," said Pepper pointedly, rolling her eyes at Tony. "Guess who didn't invite _me _to the party?"

"Ummmm, sorry," said Tony.

"Let's keep playing," said Hill. "Whose turn is it?"

"It looks like mine is the only present left," said Pepper.

"I'll take it!" said Tony, hoping thus to mollify Pepper. "Here, you can have that, Banner," he said, tossing the Rubiks cube at Dr. Banner. He tore open the paper and stared at the book in his hands. The title read, _Two Turtledoves _next to a picture of a woman wearing a flowing dress with a ton of lace on it.

"Oh, Tony, you'll love it," said Pepper excitedly. "It's so sweet. We'll have to read it together."

"Uhhhhh," said Tony.

"I'll borrow it when you're done, Tony," volunteered Jane.

"Pepper hasn't opened a present yet," said Natasha.

"There aren't any left," remarked Steve.

"That's okay, I'll just take Phil's," said Pepper, taking it.

"Okay, I'll take Fury's Avengers," said Coulson.

"No, not my Avengers," said Fury. "Take Loki's sausage."

"Anyone want a nice Rubiks cube?" said Banner.

"I've got fuzzy slippers!" said Steve.

There was a sudden scramble for presents that would have made Tony very upset about what was happening to his party if he hadn't been too busy trying to get Jarvis's bottle of champagne.

Finally everything settled down into everyone having more or less one present each. Several people had wandered away to the bar to get snacks. Suddenly something occurred to Eric Selvig.

"Darcy," he said, "didn't you say you brought _three_ presents?"

"Yeah, I did," said Darcy.

"You mean there's another of Loki's presents lurking around here somewhere?" said Tony.

"I only brought one," said Loki, from his corner. "Those were the _rules_."

"Well, what was the other present, then?" said Eric Selvig.

"_I _don't know," said Darcy, shrugging.

"Oh yeah, I remember now," said Jane. "That weird guy from the pet shop left it with me. He said it needed a home."

"A present needs a home?" said Fury. "That's dumb."

"I don't know; that's what he said," said Jane. "Where did it go, anyway?"

Loki slowly pulled a package from under his chair.

"That's cheating!" said Natasha. "You can't hide presents."

"I wanted to make sure I got one," he said defensively. Since everyone noticed that Fury had taken Loki's box of sausages, no one tried to argue.

"Okay, open it," said Hill.

Loki hesitated. "It's moving," he said.

"So?" said Darcy.

"Now it's making noise," said Loki.

Banner smothered a vindictive laugh.

Loki slowly took the lid off the box. A kitty climbed out and mewed.

"Ahhh! What if I'm allergic?" said Loki. He pulled a note out of the box. It read, "Adopt me!"

"Does this lost creature really have no parents?" he asked.

"Looks like you'll have to keep it," said Jane. "Will your dad let you have a pet in prison?"

"Want a cat bed?" said Steve, holding up a fuzzy slipper.

"Okay, presents are over," said Tony. "Let's hurry up and eat the food so everyone can go home."

"This was fun," said Thor loudly. "Let's plan to have next year's party in Asgard."

"No!" said the rest of the Avengers.

"Yes!" said Heimdal, Volstagg, Fandral, Jane, Darcy, and Eric Selvig.

Tony looked around at his wrapping paper strewed, cracker crumb besprinkled, Christmas tinsel bedecked tower.

"Okay, sure," he said.

**The End**

* * *

Yeah, sorry this one was so long. I had way too much fun writing it. And just in case anyone was wondering, that is NOT actually how you play the white elephant game.

Tomorrow, go to **OneSizeFitsAll's** page to find the third story in the series: **The True Christmas Spirit**.


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